Motherhood Has Changed EVERYTHING, Except . . .

This evening I took the time to journal my heart's thoughts and prayers to God. I wrote about my recent discovery that I am, or at least I feel, like a completely different person. I don't think the same, I don't view the world the same, I don't view myself or my loved ones the same. Who am I if not my views and beliefs? You might be thinking, "Well you just became a new mom of twins, of course, you are a different person!" And you'd be right to say so. But I guess I thought motherhood would only change a few things: my body, my marriage, my sleep, my wallet, and my status as a mother (that's way more than a few things, lol). But truthfully, motherhood has changed the very fabric of my reality; the very function of my anatomy.

As far as my mind goes, motherhood has caused me to be critically scatterbrained. I often find it hard to keep my train of thought. I think it's because I constantly try to finish a task before the kids need me. For example, I was working on a paper for my internship yesterday while the kids were sleeping. Even though I had a moment to myself to do my paper, my thoughts strayed to thinking "When will I get to finish the new episode of my favorite show"; and then to, "Man, I need to fold that laundry in the dryer". then to "I hope I have time to bathe the kids tonight". This may seem typical for a busy adult, but this is how my thoughts are ALL day; except for right now. As I write this, it is after midnight. The kids are sleeping; hubby is sleeping and mommy gets to do what she loves. Before motherhood, I used to have moments of incredible focus. I once woke up at 5 am to study for a final exam, then took the exam around 10 am, and finished around 3 pm. Do you think I could do something like that right now? HA! Yeah right. By the way, I failed that exam. 😩

Anyway, what I am getting at is that this new thought pattern has caused me to see myself differently. I've always been my worst critic but lately, I've been even harder on myself. I keep wanting to finish tasks that I start and be productive in many different areas, but that is rarely possible these days.

More than one person have advised me to show myself some grace.

Lord, help me with that! Just today, the Holy Spirit reminded me to be like Mary and not Martha. It is better for me to sit at Jesus' feet and quietly listen than for me to be scurrying around trying to finish multiple tasks. (Mary and Martha reference Luke 10:38-42)

As far as my body goes, motherhood has surprisingly strengthened it, but not as I expected. What I mean is, that my body seems like it can endure more, maybe because it simply has to. I haven't worked out since my 2nd trimester, but somehow I believe that when I finally start working out my body will be better than it's ever been. My body may be more resilient, but it has also gained weight since giving birth. Before pregnancy, I was about 130 lbs. After pregnancy, I was 151 lbs. You might be rolling your eyes at this point. 20 lbs isn't too dramatic of a difference. But I think it's the principle. I am 20 lbs heavier, with a new gut, thicker thighs, a bigger but, and floppy boobs. This body isn't familiar to me. But I am doing the work to care for it and nurture myself back to familiarity. In the past month, I have lost 2 lbs. Yaay me! Even still, I have moments when I look at my thighs in shock. I just look so different to myself. Not to mention not being able to fit my clothes. I love my wardrobe. I would hate to have to buy all new ones. It is my goal to lean out between 135 lbs and 140 lbs.

The list of ways motherhood has impacted me goes on and on. But I took a moment to think about the things that did not change.

God has not changed. God's will for my life has not changed. God's purpose for my life has not changed.

My dreams and aspirations have not changed. I may be different, but I think the changes that motherhood has brought about in my life will also bring about the fulfillment of God's will for me, God's purpose for me, and the dreams and aspirations that God has imparted in my heart. So I guess my prayer is that Yahweh will help me to recognize the blessing in all these changes.

Prayer: My Lord and God, I thank you for the gift of motherhood. I thank you for your perfect plan for my life. Lord, please cause me to recognize the blessings in all the changes I've experienced. Please forgive me for complaining. Please forgive me for doubting. Oh Lord, rebuke my enemies and thwart their wicked plans against my life. Please give me sight to recognize your leading hand in this season, May I have a heart of gratitude even in the mystery. May I have a heavenly perspective even in the trials. I bless you and I love you. Thank you for your perfect love for me. In Jesus name, AMEN!