A few days ago I found myself burned with thoughts of fear and doubt...again. I, understandably, became overwhelmed and emotional. I began pacing the floor trying to remember the right scripture that would cast out the dark thoughts. After a few moments of sifting through scriptures in my mind, I whispered "Lord, what am I missing?" I wanted to understand why I felt so guilty when negative thoughts overwhelmed me. I wanted to know why I felt like I was doing something wrong when the enemy was attacking me. At that moment, the Lord revealed to me that I felt guilty because I thought I was disappointing him.
You see, throughout my pregnancy, I struggled to connect with God through the Spirit. I was so focused on my discomfort and sick feelings that I became distracted from His Spirit. I was convinced that when the kids were born I'd be able to get myself on track spiritually. But it hasn't been that way. Between diaper changes, feedings, and soothing fussy babies, I still find it difficult to carve out time to spend time with the Father. Don't get me wrong, I pray throughout the day and I delcare God's glory as I do my day-to-day activities. But I was taught that spending time with God looked like sitting in a closet with my Bible and a notebook for hours at a time. I don't believe that picture is incorrect, but I have learned that it is not the only way. The guilt that I was feeling was because I hadn't made it to the closet in days. As I paced the floor that day, I understood that I had been focusing on the wrong things. Instead of focusing on where I commune and how long I commune, I should have been focusing on why I commune.
We commune with Yahweh because He loves us. The Gospel of Jesus Christ expresses God's perfect love for us. The Gospel, or good news, is that Jesus came to live righteously before God and die in place of sinners (like me) to reconcile us back to Yahweh. Faith in Christ Jesus saves us from the wrath of God to come. That is good news. I don't have to be afraid anymore. I don't have to grapple with guilt and shame if my mind is consumed with the amazing grace and mercy of my savior.
The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” - Romans 8:14
When I can think with a gospel-centered mind, I can parent with a clear conscience. When I parent with a clear conscience I can portray to my kids the peace, joy, and love that God extends to me daily.