Breastfeeding. A compound word that brings about compound feelings in me. It was my dream to exclusively breastfeed. Even after finding out I'd behaving twins, I still wanted to exclusively breastfeed. I was definitely ignorant of what it took to exclusively breastfeed one kid, let alone two. After giving birth at 34 weeks, though c-section, I began pumping while my infants were in the nicu. I was able to produce milk right away, and tons of it. I produced so much that the nicu nurses told me to stop bringing them in, and keep some at home. I was a milk machine and I was proud of it. However, pumping while the twins were in the nicu was easier than pumping while they were home. Both babies were discharged a week and a half after delivery. For the first week they were home I was able to keep up my pumping routine. But somehow, after the 2nd week, I fell way behind on pumping. When I fell behind on the pumping, I tried to switch over to exclusively breastfeed but that became a hassle after 1 day. It took a lot to position them right and the crying would often overwhelm me. After while I just gave up on breastmilk all together. I knew it was best for them but I was "loosing my mind" trying to keep up with the demand. I never wanted to exclusively formula feed, but at this point it was the only way to keep my sanity while also providing nutrients to my babies. People say don't cry over spilled milk, but I must say, I grieved deeply at the thought of allowing my breastmilk to dry up. It's not quite the same as the saying, but It brings about the same anxiety and disappointment as spilled breastmilk on the kitchen counter, except the emotional pull is much stronger and deeper. So what am I saying? I'm saying feed your kids the best you can. Grieve over the disappointment, but keep going. What you're kids need more than anything is YOU. Their mom!